Thursday, May 08, 2008

Hockey-reference.com is stealing all of our money

Talk about a good business plan, Hockey Reference has opened, and for a fee anyone is able to sponsor a player or team's page. I'm sure everyone reading this blog has already seen PPP's Call to Arms, but if you haven't I'm sure you can guess what that link will take you to.

This blog post is going in a different direction. I was talking to PPP earlier and mentioned that I had a lot of good taglines for players but I'm not a millionaire so I can't buy them all. PPP then belitted me when I told him this would be the longest post on this blog, by asking if it would hit five lines. In this post, I'm going to start posting what I would put on a player's page if I were the richest man on earth.

Maxim Afinogenov - Stickhandlestickhandlestickhandlestickhandlestickhandle shit I don't have room to score.

Jason Allison - Caption did not arrive in time for this webpage to load it correctly.

Dave Babych - Last in defensive ability, first in our hearts.

Bates Battaglia - Has always hated the nickname "Master".

Ed Belfour - Is too drunk to have purchased his own page.

Wendel Clark - So gritty he may actually be made of dirt. Fancy dirt.

Carlo Colaiacovo - Hurt himself reading this.

Alexander Daigle - His career sums up the history of the Ottawa Senators better than any other description.

Tie Domi - The scrappiest lovable loser of all.

Ken Dryden - More Carey Price (next Ken Dryden) than Carey Price (in need of playoff heimlich).

Phil Esposito - Terrible talk radio show on XM, odd infatuation with Tampa Bay.

Peter Forsberg - Sometimes I fall down.

Theoren Fleury - Has never once tried cocaine and will challenge you to a fist fight if you claim otherwise.

Doug Gilmour - Doug-ie! Doug-ie!

Dany Heatley - Sponsored by: TD Car Insurance - Don't accept a ride home from the rink with Dany Heatley.

Brett Hull - Doesn't know nothing about no goddamn foot in the crease.

Al Iafrate - Shoots harder than that kid in the Mighty Ducks movie.

Jaromir Jagr - Is afraid of Hal Gill, red grapes, and the playoffs without Mario.

Jussi Jokinen - Is hoping this game goes to a shootout.

Chad Kilger - Shoots harder than Al Iafrate.

Patrick Lalime - Is deathly afraid of seeing the colors blue and white, as well as trees.

Claude Lemieux - Not as good as Mario.

Mario Lemieux - Not as good at beating people up as Claude.

Bryan McCabe - Is auditioning for Boogie Nights 2: Electric Boogie-loo.

Darren McCarty - Hates turtles, and Claude Lemieux, and turtling Claude Lemieuxs.

Markus Naslund - Sadly, is inarguably worse than Daniel Alfredsson, making him not even the second best Swedish captain of a Canadian hockey team.

Ryan O'Byrne - Purse snatcher.

Alexander Ovechkin - Segway rider, leader of Washington's NHL team The Washington Flying Ovechkins.

Justin Pogge - More Felix Potvin (1993) than Carey Price (future pumper of 10% ethanol gasoline blend).

Bill Quackenbush - Sponsor this page for -$5. (Page actually sponsored by WWI).

Tuukka Rask - Doesn't exist. No one understands why someone who doesn't exist has a Hockey-reference page.

Mats Sundin - The father.

Alex Steen - The son.

John Tavares - The holy spirit.

Jiri Tlusty - 8====D

R.J. Umberger - Has anyone seen Brian Campbell around latel-

Tomas Vokoun - Left Nashville in time to avoid being scored on by Wade Belak.

Andy Wozniewski - Had his Make A Wish granted and got to play a whole season for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Keith Yandle - It seems to me, he lived his life like a yandle in the wind.

Dmitri Yushkevich - Legendary superstar of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Richard Zednik - Colombian necktie .

Wow, I made it to the end without passing out. Hopefully some of you other bloggers in the Leafosphere (that's right Godd, I went there) have something funnier than what I wrote.

3 comments:

PPP said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I am supposed to be working but everyone is staring at me because I was laughing so loudly!

I will have to think about something to match these.

Tlusty's changed my life.

eyebleaf said...

DUDE, FREAKIN BEAUTY

Loser Domi said...

Holyohwa, the Forsberg one is PERFECT. ANd this is the longest post I've seen you do (:P)